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For about a week I’ve been 20% – 40% sick most days with a head cold of some sort.
My dad had a couple of medical things at the end of last week and the start of this week (all of which went well).
I made my way back to the gym yesterday (to walk slow enough I could also read a book) after having not been around much for weeks.
Friday I ate can of spray cheese and the mandatory column of Ritz crackers that were used as a transport device.
It was a weekend full of John memories.
I have a freelance deadline on Thursday which is taking longer than I thought.

So, what doe we have there?
Sad? Yes
Scared? Yes
Eating Well? No
Moving Body? No

So when today has devolved into a glut of YouTube Darren Criss / Doctor Who / Vlogbrothers binging I started to be disappointed in myself. Unhelpful conversations about the ability to maintain my end of the bargain.

Then, Wil Wheaton came to my rescue. He wrote. Now, to be clear – I don’t think I’m headed into a Major Thing of any sort – but I’m sure not doing much to keep myself healthy at the moment either.

I’m going to fill up my water bottle.
Check that my gym bag is packed for tomorrow.
Make something.

I claimed my sad day. I’ll see ya tomorrow.

Which is NOT to say that there aren’t tons of great writers on the internet, because clearly, there are. They write stuff, and blogs, and fanfic and all of the rest of it. I love those folks, even when I’m not interested in what they write.

But as a note to Ryan Murphy and Steven Moffat — they do not replace the comprehensive mind of a show runner.

I’m on record as being delighted the Murphy appeared to have listened to the internet a lot when he was writing both the Kline proposal, and The Quarterback. I stand by those being some of the best shows I saw in the last of 2013. Moffat did the same with the 50th anniversary show. Again, some of the best TV I saw last year (even with the systematic dismantling of RTD years and the rage sputter that creates for me).

But what happens when you write yourself into a corner, wait too long, and let the internet dig you out of a hole? From the write ups I have seen so far about the new Sherlock episode, you get stuff like this:

From collar pop to hair ruffle it is a perfect rendition of what a chunk of the fan base wants – and not the answer. As are a number of theories that are worked through – but not the answer.

Watching twitter & tumblr last night it was all giddy reaction and happy screeching. A fair number of those folks have come back online today and talked about how it didn’t feel cohesive, it was out of step for the characters, that it was too disjointed, etc …

(See also Glee’s puppet show & Christmas episode, also the Doctor Who Christmas episode).

Fandoms have the real potential to be like children. We want what we want, but it is actually better for us if it isn’t constantly handed to us by a fearful show runner who is afraid of the internet tantrum that will ensue if he follows an inner vision as opposed to fanfic.

Now watch, when I finally see the Sherlock episode the emotional skill of the actors will cover up all the rest of all of it.

Because that is what they count on.

I have now seen the Doctor Who Christmas special, which was the last show for Matt Smith. Even after 24 hours, I’m just pissed. I’m not the only one.

Now, I was never a rabid Matt Smith fan, he did a great heartbroken-old-man but day to day I was unmoved. I loved his interactions with Rory and with River. I never cared for Clara, and Amy I could take or leave. The Silence are an interesting idea — poorly delivered for the most part. NONE of these truths made me the target audience for the show.

It is true that a lot of the lose ends for the show have been discussed. Too many for a one-hour episode meant to be an emotional fond farewell (which is why they were each handled by a statement of truth taking 5 seconds with no … oh just fuck it).

Even as somebody who never really adored Smith’s Doctor — he fucking deserved better than this.

Doctor Who capitalizes on the anniversary special by hoping nobody will notice that the Christmas episode was stupid. I’m afraid, because I’ve been waiting for years to find out how Sherlock didn’t die and I’m worried that Moffat is going to fuck that up too.

(and I’m still mad about the Glee Christmas episode)

All. Of. It.

With any minor connection to the Doctor Who universe via social media we have just finished an advent calendar of countdown moments that ended in a culmination a lot like Christmas when you were 7. Spent, happy, and with no sense of entitlement.

They did a great job of mixing comedy, actual information, fun stuff, and throw away bits. We may have been misled but the straight up LYING was pretty minimal. The special was satisfying, not to disruptive to what we could expect, and leads nicely into Christmas.

Then, immediately, the trailer for Christmas and a deleted scene are released (the last small gift to help wind down after the new bicycle with steamers in unveiled).

Finally, a Christmas night trip to grandma’s with the brilliant work of Peter Davidson and crew. Heaven, absolute heaven.

So, a month until Christmas, then Sherlock comes back. I may never breathe again.

Billy Joel episode last night. The music was great, a lovely chance to highlight Darren Criss and Kevin McHale (the voice of the later I am REALLY starting to enjoy), hell, even Chord Overstreet didn’t make me mad! Hooray!

Rachel got flirty eyed with Sam. (The Gleek Internet breaks from the WRONG! of it)
I think it is fine, I think it will be fine if they hook up, I think it will be fine if she beds some rando, I think it is fine if she is forever chaste. This character is a 19 year old who loved but was not dating a guy who lived in a different state. Especially given the completely unknowable amount of time that has passed, I think we just need to take a giant step back from thinking she’s going bind her groin in cast iron for the rest of her life.

“But OOOOoooohhhhh, it isn’t fair to Lea…” shouts the Gleek Internet.
Lea is the only person gets to choose when Lea (as a person or as an actress) gets flirty eyed with anybody. Ryan Murphy has seemed supportive, and I suspect that if Lea couldn’t muster the Professional Act of Flirty Eyes after four months, or if she thought it was unreasonable for the character then Santana would have been the designated flirty eyes person … or hell – maybe Kurt and Blaine could have made eye contact just for the hell of it.

Let’s not forget — Lea is enough of an actress that she is living a life that millions of women aspire to and will never achieve. I suspect Professional Flirty Eyes with a trusted friend just isn’t that hard to muster. Honestly, I can wrangle flirty eyes when I’m trying to get a free car rental upgrade.

I think it is sad that Michelle Williams will always be tied to Heath Ledger, and I think the same will be true (in a slightly smaller way) for Lea and Cory. Still, Lea is also a full grown woman who is not wearing cast iron panties and heaven help her the day she makes Non-Professional Flirty Eyes and someone notices.

The Klaine story line got a lot of time, some affection, and some weird chastity – which I am kind of hating. But, that is the same as most days.

My husband teases me by saying, “yeah, but you don’t like science fiction”. Which, I said to him more than once in our earlier years together. Usually he says this when I’m in the fifth minute of flapping, hyperventilating, squeaking monologue about Billie Piper playing Rose playing Bad Wolf.

Or that most things I think about writing are prefaced with the phrase, “I like what John Scalzi says about this …”

Or that I listen to Welcome To Night Vale at all.

Readers here know of my twitching about Glee, and Amanda F*cking Palmer (new release today with her husband —TWIRL)

Paul McCann mentions [redacted] and brings a 20 year body of work into cannon in an instant. And breaks the internet. I complain about cannon and head-cannon [because head cannon is NOT A THING].

What does all of this do for a 40 year-old woman?

It makes me feel excited — excited like Santa Claus is REAL.
It focuses me outside of my immediate world.
It helps me remember that all of this is real – but it ain’t all serious all the time.
Doctor Who shows chivalry and goodness.
Glee flirts.
AFP is power and determination
WTNV actually turns words the way my mind does, and keys into the absurdist part of me that doesn’t get aired out much.

I like Slate’s Political Gabfest because it tunes me into the political world in a way that is comfortable.
I like Adam Savage’s Still Untitled podcast because DANG he is clever, creative, and friendly sounding.
I like Wil Wheaton because he is the voice of my part of my generation.

I’m already apoplectic about the Doctor Who special — and the sequence / prequel this morning just cemented me as a screaming crazed fangirl. Honestly, I really need to have lunch with someone (either in person or on the phone) who is totally willing to hyperventilate over all this stuff. I am so.damn.excited.

Right after I gave Ryan Murphy a pass for the next season and a half because he did such a nice job on the first three shows of Glee this season he … just f*cked it all up. No Klaine duet at insane-o-imaginary-Christmas is just dumb. Update — 5.5 —- sweet mercy. Glee = where continuity goes to DIE.

My mom, of all people, pointed out that I’m supper behind on TBBT and so that could use some remedy.

So much big stuff I’ve been working on, thinking through, experiencing. So much grace and magic in my life right now but for tonight I’m just feeling shouty about TV because … it is easier ((and I’ve been waiting for DW for ten months)).


Just checked my categories. ALSO! The November 1 Welcome to Night Vale is the best they’ve done in six weeks or two months. Made me totally happy and the weather was terrific. Update — I may have to learn how to do some audio editing just to make a “Cecil’s best words” loop for myself.

And as for AFP … she wrote a song for the woman who saved us all for so many years. Wait for 2:38 and then HEAR that song.

I have spent the evening trying to de-sexy-fy Glad You Came by The Wanted.

Thanks random school kid.

this has been awesome

At the end of LLV I took possession of the stuff I had been ignoring from my youth and brought it back home to start ignoring it in a more local setting.

My softball picture, The precious stuffed dolls of my childhood, and the arms of a chair.

The chair had been a gift for my first marriage from my mom’s best friend. It was meant to last for generations, it was beautiful. A Shaker-ish rocking chair, it had a seat in a classic and versatile floral on a green background.

Our homes were decorated straight from the catalog of Random & Whatever, and it was part of the first real adult furniture we had (see also: the dressers from my grandmother and the couch of OMFG). It was important.

Then, after J had to move to wait for his heart transplant it became the place where he did his twice daily dressing changes. It has been 12 years, I could go to the store today and buy everything he would need, I could talk a stranger through it, I can tell you where he would flinch (except later, he didn’t anymore). Realistically, there were 500 dressing changes.

The chemicals wore the varnish off the ends of the arms of the chair.

My parents never faltered in my presence when it was time to pack up the apartment. Hell, they just never faltered. The chair went into storage because it became the physical embodiment of that time. Eventually I told my parents that the chair needed to be destroyed, save for the arms which were to be mine.

arms behind me

I had a special season of hell planned for the arms of that chair. Every moment of rage and helplessness were going to find a permanent refuge in their destruction. Then I would get really serious.

I knew that they would be in the stuff I brought back at the end of LLV, and a couple of weeks ago I found them.


I still remember the season of hell I had planned for them. More than that, now, I know that I learned a lot in those months about myself, about courage, about medicine, about death, about love, about living, about things that are precious and the shit that isn’t.

Now, I suspect I will cut them down so they are smaller and decades from now my son is going to have to try and figure out what to do with two chunks of wood he has never seen his mom without.

Bookends, maybe.

Ryan Murphy can sleep just fine at night. He has completely nailed the first three episodes this season in an amazing pressure cooker of expectation.

He called it just right by not naming why Finn died. He just did and really the “how?” of it doesn’t matter much for the fictional character. Now, for Cory it absolutely matters because he is a face of heroin addiction that isn’t often seen — but for Finn it just doesn’t.

There were 3 million more viewers of The Quarterback than either of the first two episodes this season. What happened was a lovely blend of The Characters and their reaction to Finn’s death and The Actors reacting to the death of Cory. It rarely seemed like it was anything other than The Actors dressed like The Characters and standing places The Characters would stand.

No place was that more evident than the discord of Lea / Rachel’s song. Her studio recording of the song was strong, but clearly not her best (and who could possibly expect more of this woman right now). The filming of her singing it (after years of practicing lip synching to her own work) was brutal and heart crushing to watch because it didn’t match. She couldn’t access emotional distance (or didn’t want Rachel to) and it is agonizing to watch her mourn on screen.

Two last thoughts…

1. I am on tumblr where I am a silly crazed fangirl to my heart’s content. I was really touched when other fandoms put together little blips that acknowledged that it was going to be a rough and emotional night in the Glee fandom.

2. The Actors are roughly the same age as my group was when my first husband died. It stood out to me.

Now for the hiatus. They are back on Nov 9 doing … what Glee does. Doctor Who has the 50th on Nov 23rd and then nothing until the Christmas special. I’m keeping up with TBBT but that is just pleasant and not really appointment viewing for me right now.