I don’t start things, generally, that I think will be hard to complete.  Arranging for a year of long, long, vacation? Getting my masters while parenting a toddler and working full-time (and planning / doing long long vacation)?  I actually didn’t see those as things that would *hard* to complete.  Complex, or exhausting, or scary in spots – for sure – but *not* hard.

**diversion**

When John died my mom and I brainstormed doing a “Design Your own Logo” class at a library because he was an artist, his best tattoos (and the one that is mirrored on the back of my head) all had logo qualities to them, and it was a chance to connect with his heart in a different way.  Also, I raised money for the heart association for years and I’m eyeballing a Marfan walk in a month in Roswell because Marfan walks are hard to find.

**grasping at straws**

I haven’t run in almost 18 months.  I’ve never run for longer than a 5K and even those I never *really* felt prepared for.  In the last 5 years I’ve said with the quiet pride of someone who never even came close “I’d never do a full marathon, only a half and even then only the flying pig”.

I’m busy, I’m emotionally and physically drained most days.  I don’t feel like I have much energy to offer those around me and even less for myself.  I don’t have hobbies.  I don’t take time.  The nights that Dave & I watch movies on the couch together it is because he’s found something that he knows I’ll stop and watch.

Moving my body isn’t a priority and hasn’t been for awhile.

** the other nagging true things **

After dad died I got a massage and when my foot stopped hurting for a moment I thought “I’ll run the Marine Corps Marathon” it is beautiful, the finish line make me teary to think about even when he was alive.

I looked up the timeline (late October and not conflicting with Dave’s Ath Half) and the registration rules – a lottery that (at the time) was four months away and resolved seven months before the race.  I looked up if there were couch to marathon training programs (there are) and resolved that the idea would drift away I went on about my life.

Then I entered the lottery, because I remembered to, because I was sure that karma and dad’s good ghost like ghostliness would keep me out of the CONGRATULATIONS pool.  Because … it would be so easy to shrug and say “I would have but the lottery didn’t break my way” then I would sigh and it would be over.

I got an email on Wednesday morning that says, “CONGRATULATIONS”

I feel soft, and scared, and embarrassed for thinking that the time / energy / willpower is available for me to train for this.  I feel dumb.  I am also on my way for my first training run/walk/persevere.

I’m so scared.  Scared is not a reason to avoid something.

One day. One run.

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