I love heated massage tables, mainly because I’m not around them unless I’m about to get a massage.  Travel & sadness and time made today the right day to try and put my back in order, and check in on my mind and heart.  Nate, the new guy, asked me my primary goal I said, “I’ve been flying back and forth across the country as my dad died, my back is mess.”  Physical Stress (check), emotional stress (check), actual pain point that needs sorting out (check).  I was quite proud of that sentence.

The school of thought that says that muscles hold “stuff” seems to hold true for me and it actually made massages after John died problematic (and I stopped for a long time) but it is early days and mainly I figured I was jacked up from the travel as much as anything (when you can save $100 by traveling in a backpack with nothing else by GOLLY you’ll rock a dense backpack – etc… etc… etc…). I figured getting near the normal line would be good.

With that in mind, here is what certain body parts revealed….

Shoulder Blades — gosh those are so fucked that they strum like a ukelele (ouch), ukelele = Amanda Palmer, I hope my friend likes the book beyond “Neil Gaiman is available for casual sex, technically if not emotionally”.  I hope her project goes well, if she could see what I see then she’d know it will be ok, it really will …. shhhhhhh brain, it doesn’t need fixing.

My feet and ankles ((the bane of my exercise existence)) — Marine Corps Marathon.  I’d have nearly a year to get ready, my left foot has felt good for 4 seconds and I’ve been wearing nothing but tennis shoes for nearly a week, so Marine Corps Marathon it is.  A good reason to move more, eat better, pay tribute, get back to DC.  It’s perfect.  I need to look up when registration is because it will feel great to run between all those pretty soldiers, I’ll sob tired and proud tears, I WANT THIS … I’ll even get the zumba goddess to train me so I have arms that will match my kickass legs if she does that sort of thing.  I wonder if I can keep my new ass and get the belly I like back…. shhhhhhh brain, not today, you don’t need a new gym membership right now, that doesn’t need fixing today.

My lower back — why doesn’t this hurt more? it hurts all the time but when he works on it I just wish it would hurt more so I thought it would get better some day.  If Nate the new guy would just shred it, then the next part would begin.  It seems obvious, why isn’t it fixed?

My neck — What?  When it hurts I just don’t turn my head.  That feels like a solution.  GAHD DAMN SIR THAT FUCKING HURT.  Wait.  Breathe.  Do it again.  ((my neck pops, my back pops, I look over my left shoulder for the first time in six weeks)).  Oh.  Did that need fixing?

I drank some water, asked if he was around Friday morning (no), and went on my way.  I’ve looked at stuff I didn’t want to see.  I’ve started the eulogy.  I can’t look over my left shoulder again but in a massage hangover way instead of the other way.  I don’t know what happens next, but I’ve been wrung out and hung up wet – so there is hope.