A dear friend wished for me that the end of LLV be relatively stress free.  It was a beautiful gift, much like wishing a newlywed couple a lingering kiss everyday.  It WOULD be great, but looking at thousands of other people who have gone through a similar experience — moving across country (even in the partial way that we will be) must ALWAYS come with at least one moment where you think, “Fuck it.  They sell all of it there.  My computer and my phone and I’m ready to roll.”

I mentioned awhile ago that I needed to go into dry dock because I knew that winter blahs were in need of tending.  I focused and definitely began feeling better.  Then March and April happened and it was a whirlwind – May will be much of the same.

It is time to implement Step Two.  The finding of the zen (I am not a zen buddhist, I identify as taoist, I’m not capitalizing any of these words ON PURPOSE).  Here are my tools of the moment –

1.  The gym until some part of my body starts to burn.  Today it was my arms, yesterday it was my thighs.  Without this my brain starts to burn and I like that less.  Sometimes no music, sometimes fuck you music, sometimes chill music.  Also —- I could use suggestions for good fuck you music.  Currently Imagine Dragons “Radioactive” hits the spot.

2.  A place of absolute honesty.  This one, oddly, is My Fitness Pal right now.  It is not an emotional thing for me to write down movement and food intake (and seriously, the catalog of food is SO MUCH BETTER than it was a couple of years ago).  So MFP is getting a lot of attention because it is clear, easy, ritualistic, and devoid of actual meaning for me.

For me journaling is a reflection of my mind, and my mind continually is in conversation about perspective and interpretation – it is something that serves me well most of the time but as stressors increase it is better to just have some stuff that is black & white happening.

3.  Audiobooks.  This is new for me – sort of.  Today as I walked at the gym I was listening to the Tao of Pooh, a great introductory level book about Taoism and what an excellent representation Pooh is of that thought process.  It was incredibly comforting to have someone reading to me, especially a book which I have read before and was part of my investigation of taoism all those years ago.

Also, Wil Wheaton is going to be attached to the end of LLV in strange ways.  I have been picking audiobooks read by him as I’ve traveled back and forth – plugging in when I get in the car and essentially unplugging when I got to the opposing door.  I very much enjoyed Ready Player One and any geek out there should check it out to see if it might be up your ally.

So why this instead of wine, chocolate, therapy, or random bits of rage?  Well, I’m not saying there won’t be any of that, because there will be (in the form of Makers Mark, DD coffee, and ranting) but ultimately I can see a torrent of stress and emotion that has a clear end date.  After that I need to be healthy enough to re-enter a life which I enjoy in another part of the country with people that I care about, work that I enjoy, and most importantly my guys who I love deeply.

I’ve had a long period of time in my life with huge stress and no definite endpoint, where it felt like everything was on the line.  This is not that.  I am surrounded in love both near and far and I am anchored in both who I am and who I want to be.  It is my inner nature to look for balance and it will take more than just drinking enough water right now – but I am open to hearing what I need and then trying to get it.

Tomorrow I have a date with my dad, and I should be coming home with some extra decorations.  I have spent this week making sure I don’t go overboard on the decoration, but I’m looking forward to telling you about it.

 

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