When I was 20 years old, I lived with 3 other women (and cough boyfriend cough). None of us smoked in December, we all did when we return from break. It was freaky.

That was almost 20 years ago. Four times I have gone 9 months without nicotine, once I went almost a year (pregnancy and early motherhood).

You’ll notice that I’ll never refer to it is “smoking” because that isn’t my problem, currently I’m at 3 smokes in the last 2.5 years or so. The problem is nicotine — and good golly am I hooked to that stuff. I spend a lot of money on it, I spend time obtaining it, I check to make sure I always have it with me and I twitch and snark without it.

In the late 90s and early 00s I was a fan of the patch and for a long time it was my go to when I didn’t want to specifically smoke. I wore them for YEARS, I would occasionally smoke (at the bar) when I wore them – which makes you sick to your stomach unless you practice a lot.

After I found out I was pregnant (I was smoking lightly at the time) I quit, again. To transition I chose nicotine mints. My son is now 4.5 years old and I’ve had a “blue tube” (how the good ones are packaged) with me every day. I use more than I am supposed to – goodness knows I’ve extended the 12 week plan into the 200+ week plan.

So why this? Why now? Why talk about it today?

Because I have to own that the idea of trying to stop while I live with people I like scares me. I don’t want to be short tempered. I don’t want to find a replacement. I don’t want to see what happens to my metabolism after 20 years of support via nicotine.

Still, the time is coming. It isn’t a New Year’s Resolution (for pete’s sake I’m FLYING over the holidays), but it is a resolution. I want to find a way to deal that doesn’t involve this anymore. It scares me.