I don’t start things, generally, that I think will be hard to complete. Arranging for a year of long, long, vacation? Getting my masters while parenting a toddler and working full-time (and planning / doing long long vacation)? I actually didn’t see those as things that would *hard* to complete. Complex, or exhausting, or scary in spots – for sure – but *not* hard.
When John died my mom and I brainstormed doing a “Design Your own Logo” class at a library because he was an artist, his best tattoos (and the one that is mirrored on the back of my head) all had logo qualities to them, and it was a chance to connect with his heart in a different way. Also, I raised money for the heart association for years and I’m eyeballing a Marfan walk in a month in Roswell because Marfan walks are hard to find.
**grasping at straws**
I haven’t run in almost 18 months. I’ve never run for longer than a 5K and even those I never *really* felt prepared for. In the last 5 years I’ve said with the quiet pride of someone who never even came close “I’d never do a full marathon, only a half and even then only the flying pig”.
I’m busy, I’m emotionally and physically drained most days. I don’t feel like I have much energy to offer those around me and even less for myself. I don’t have hobbies. I don’t take time. The nights that Dave & I watch movies on the couch together it is because he’s found something that he knows I’ll stop and watch.
Moving my body isn’t a priority and hasn’t been for awhile.
** the other nagging true things **
After dad died I got a massage and when my foot stopped hurting for a moment I thought “I’ll run the Marine Corps Marathon” it is beautiful, the finish line make me teary to think about even when he was alive.
I looked up the timeline (late October and not conflicting with Dave’s Ath Half) and the registration rules – a lottery that (at the time) was four months away and resolved seven months before the race. I looked up if there were couch to marathon training programs (there are) and resolved that the idea would drift away I went on about my life.
Then I entered the lottery, because I remembered to, because I was sure that karma and dad’s good ghost like ghostliness would keep me out of the CONGRATULATIONS pool. Because … it would be so easy to shrug and say “I would have but the lottery didn’t break my way” then I would sigh and it would be over.
I got an email on Wednesday morning that says, “CONGRATULATIONS”
I feel soft, and scared, and embarrassed for thinking that the time / energy / willpower is available for me to train for this. I feel dumb. I am also on my way for my first training run/walk/persevere.
I’m so scared. Scared is not a reason to avoid something.
One day. One run.