There are two things I haven’t been saying since my work situation rearranged…
1. I really, really like this pace in my life. For now, it is a good thing.
2. It is not easy.
I would not change this at all right now, but here is what I am not saying -
1. I know that some of my dreams outreach my current skills, so I will make myself vulnerable by needing to learn (and the struggle and failure that comes along with new things).
2. I know that some of my ideas are a perfect fit for my brain, but may not translate to the outside world well, so I may build up my skills and STILL have something that doesn’t work in the end.
3. It is possible that it would work if someone else did it, and for reasons I don’t know it won’t be my version of it that works. (I saw the essential equivalent to Auntie Cards (an older project of mine) in the mass market within the year after I set it aside).
4. I am responsible for every choice between 8a-3:30p that I make. When the next step scares me there is nobody BUT ME to push me forward, I won’t get written up, I won’t lose face, it just means letting the whole project fail because I didn’t stand up and do the next step.
5. Sometimes I don’t know what order the steps come in. I don’t have a circle of people who are doing this, I feel alone.
6. I want to make sure that my family gets a better, stronger version of me because I have the actual time for self care — but we don’t really know what that looks like.
7. It is possible I look like a fool.
8. I don’t have a balance between work, home, personal, social yet that I think fits quite right.
9. I want those closest to me to be proud of me, years from now I want this to be a fun story we tell instead of one that ends in an awkward silence.
10. I’m trying really hard. I like it, I’m happy, but I am working really hard.
I was given a chance to fully express part of myself that I’ve never tried to do before. It is not easy. It is good. It is not easy.